434. I worked on Labour Day. Not because my office was open, but because I knew I had a lot of work do, and I knew I could do it from home. So really, it’s my own damned fault.

435. I also worked a total of twenty-four hours in the past two days. Not only did I not take a day off work, but I took on an extra day to boot. In my defense, however, that extra day totally wasn’t my idea.

436. Somewhere near the end of that marathon, Simply Red’s “Holding Back the Years” came on the radio, and I very nearly started crying. I wish I were making that up.

437. All right, fine! It wasn’t the radio! It was iTunes! I have a copy of that song on my computer! Want to fight about it?

438. And you know what the worst part is? Now that all the work is done, I can’t even go out and celebrate because I’ve got to stay in and complain about a bunch of things that bother me. You know, my friend Mike hosts a really great soul night in the east end on Wednesdays, and I can never go because that’s my night to yell and scream into the endless depths of cyberspace. Somebody out there is actually taking the time to read this self-indulgent crap, right?

439. Man, don’t wear crocs. What the hell is the matter with you?

440. Showing up at the Beer Store just in time to get in line behind the old woman who scours my neighbourhood for empties every night, and then brings them back to the store a few hundred at a time.

441. Standing in line to buy beer behind a guy trying to exchange a case of one brand for a case of another. “This isn’t what I meant to buy!” he shouted. It kind of makes you wonder how he ever got served in the first place, doesn’t it?

442. Oh, that’s right. The staff don’t care.

443. Maybe they could learn a thing or two about enthusiasm from the neighbourhood drunk who comes to the Beer Store just to hang around and shoot the shit.

444. Judge Judy. I mean, I get the impression that nobody actually likes Judge Judy, so I’m probably not going out on a limb with this one. But I also get the feeling that not enough people think she’s… Well, she’s a mockery of the entire system of justice and laws upon which our society, however imperfect, is based. Just putting that out there.

445. What about all the sassy judges that started popping up on television after Judge Judy hit the big time? How sad and pathetic do you have to be to live on Judge Judy’s leftovers? These are people who saw Judge Judy on television one day, and said “That’s what I want to do with my life, even though the best I can possibly hope to achieve is to be compared unfavourably to Judge Judy.” I mean, screw King Solomon, right? Let’s hear what these people have to say about our civil disputes.

446. Guys in Superman t-shirts. That’s the beginning of a disappointing future in which nobody ever mistakes you for Superman.

447. I’ve got a zit or a lump or something in my left ear. It’s not much, but it’s enough to prevent me from wearing ear buds comfortably. I haven’t heard the left side of a song in days.

448. Worrying that something as simple as a lump or a zit is actually cancer. I mean, it’s obviously not cancer. But what if it is, you know? What if it’s cancer?

449. A Coldplay video directed by Hype Williams? Well, I don’t even know why that bothers me! But for whatever reason, it does.

450. The air show. Not that it wasn’t nice of them to save me the trouble of going by flying over my house all weekend. But to be honest, I could have done without it.

451. In about five billion years, the sun’s going to start expanding as it enters what astronomers call a “red giant phase”. When that happens, there’s a pretty good chance that Earth will be absorbed by the sun.

452. Thankfully, since the surface temperature of the sun is slowly but steadily rising, we’ve only got about a billion years before the surface of Earth becomes too hot to sustain water in a liquid form. Once that happens, all life on Earth will come to an end. Which sucks, but it sure beats watching everything you’ve ever known and everyone you’ve ever loved being consumed by a giant wave of fire from outer space.

453. By the time any of that stuff happens, we’ll all have been dead for millions and millions of years. Hell, when viewed on that kind of timeline, your death is basically right around the corner.

454. Adult diapers. There’s a pretty good chance you’re going to need them someday. Sure, you’ve laughed at the television commercials, and I’ll bet you even laughed when you read the words “adult diapers” just now. Nobody ever thinks it’s going to happen to them. But time makes fools of us all, my friends. Time makes fools of us all.

455. Frosh week parades on the street below my office. I haven’t slept in days! Whatever happened to drinking too much, going to the hospital, and leaving the rest of us alone?

415. Gas prices. The thing is, I don’t have a car, and I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the price of gas. But that’s what everyone seems to be talking about these days, and I figured if I want to stay relevant, I’d better jump on the bandwagon. So how about those crazy gas prices?

416. Why does the predictive text function on my phone make it so tough to swear while texting? I’m a grown man, and I’ll swear if I want to! Stop assuming that the word I’m trying to spell is anything but the curse word I’ve got in mind! Why would I want to tell my friends about the dubling moron I just ran into? What does that even mean?

417. The moron in question was a kid on Yonge Street who stopped in his tracks right in front of me to look at a billboard. Which I understand, because if he’d kept on walking, he might not have gotten to see another one.

418. The billboard in question was a giant underwear ad. Let’s have some class, horny teenagers! Stopping in your tracks in public to look a picture of a woman in her underwear is one step away from reading Juggs on the bus. I mean, I know that being a teenage boy is no picnic, but… Look, just get out of my way, you dubling moron!

419. A friend of mine once invited me to a party “somewhere on Yonge Street”. As much as I appreciate the thought, I think you’ve got to be a little more specific when you’re inviting people to a party on the longest street in the world.

420. The House Bunny was written and produced by the same team that did Legally Blonde. I guess they figured that the key to their success was to do the exact same movie again - only this time, don’t do it nearly as well.

421. I finally got around to getting an air conditioner. But I hardly ever use it, because I feel incredibly guilty whenever I do.

422. What do you mean the elevators are out again? Well, what are we supposed to do in an emergency? Take the stairs?

423. Ladies, you’ve got to stop faking it! I know you’re trying to spare your partner’s feelings, but you’re only cheating yourself. Open communication with your partner is the better way to go.

424. I accidentally typed “falking it” instead of “faking it” while writing that last item. It reminded me that I’ll never be as cool as Peter Falk.

425. Bow ties. Still?

426. White power rock bands. I mean, it’s lame enough to believe that one race of people is naturally superior to all the others. But why would you want to express that belief through an art form invented by one of those supposedly inferior races? Doesn’t that kind of undercut your already ridiculous point?

427. Is your purse tired? Did your purse have a long day? Well, then maybe your purse deserves its own seat on a crowded bus.

428. Now, if you were carrying a tired little dog around in your purse, I could understand that. I mean, at least to the extent that I can understand how cramming dogs into purses ever became a trendy, fashionable thing to do. Did some famous spoiled brat do it first? That’s usually how these things become a big deal.

429. Having a last name that’s also a common first name, and being called that name by people who don’t take the time to read your emails and learn what your name is.

430. Being called “mister”. I know I said I was a grown man before, but still. It just feels weird, you know?

431. Stand behind me, not beside me! That’s how lines work!

432. Zip up your pants first, and then step away from the urinal! Not the other way around! I don’t want to have to see that! No, don’t make eye contact with me!

433. I wish I had a dollar for every time I thought I was about to watch an episode of Just for Laughs and it turned out to be Just for Laughs Gags instead. One minute you’re looking forward to watching some of the best stand-up comedians in the world, and the next you’re changing the channel in disgust because you don’t want to watch twenty different Francophones react to the sight of a clown writing parking tickets. Man, what a stupid show.

390. There’s a sticker on one of the newspaper boxes outside of my office that says “I have more Facebook friends than you”.

391. Some moron actually took the time to write “I don’t think so” on that sticker.

392. Hey, do you want to hang out in a crowd full of dumbasses who have no idea what’s going on around them? Well, then you should go to the airport!

393. Be sure to leave early, though, because it takes about three hours to get there and back.

394. In fact, if you’re trying to get there during rush hour by public transit, then do yourself a favour and just hang out at the bus station instead. It’s pretty much the same thing.

395. People who apparently feel the need to talk just to fill the silence. Some of us like silence! It makes it easier to live and work and not be annoyed by various acquaintances!

396. I saw a woman covered in tattoos pushing a toddler around in a stroller the other day. I was going to add her to the list, but then I realized that I had no good reason to do so. After all, having a bunch of tattoos doesn’t make you a bad parent. For all I know, that woman could be the best mom in the neighbourhood! So I’m admitting I was wrong, doing a total one-eighty, and calling out the people who question the parenting skills of total strangers based on something as superficial as a little ink. There! I feel better!

397. People who can’t admit when they’re wrong. Nobody’s perfect!

398. People who think that real leadership is all about never admitting you’re wrong and never changing your mind. I mean, look where that’s gotten us!

399. I went down to the laundromat last night to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer. When I got there, I couldn’t find my laundry basket. Looking around, I discovered that some lady was using it to hold all the clean clothes that she was in the middle of folding. As soon as she noticed she’d been caught, she dumped them out and slid the basket my way, as if to say “Fine, take it!” It was the first and hopefully last time that I regretted coming to the laundromat without a bottle of red wine and a bucket of axle grease.

400. The last film that Orson Welles ever appeared in was Transformers: The Movie.

401. The last film that Raul Julia ever appeared in, with the exception of a TV movie, was Street Fighter.

402. Christopher Walken has said that the reason he appears in so many movies is because he’s afraid there might come a day when he won’t be able to find work. His last five films were Balls of Fury, Hairspray, Man of the Year, some thriller called Fade to Black that didn’t even get released in Canada or the US, and Click. I think he’s great and everything, but twenty bucks says his final film is going to be a big screen adaptation of Mr. Belvedere. Couldn’t you see him in the Bob Uecker role?

403. I wish that when I was a kid, whenever somebody asked me if I had a staring problem, I’d known enough to say “Yeah, the person I’m staring at is a butt-ugly jerk”. That would have shown that kid in the second grade whose name I don’t even remember.

404. There’s a serious lack of popular celtic music in the world today. It’s not that I’m a fan, of course. It’s just that now and then, I’d like to be able to go to an Irish pub without having to hear the same Spirit of the West and Great Big Sea songs over and over again.

405. I don’t think you should be allowed to shout “Leonard Bernstein!” in the middle of “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” unless you know who Leonard Bernstein is.

406. Have you ever gotten one of Stewart Copeland’s rapid fire drum solos stuck in your head? Isn’t it the worst? I’ve ruined entire evenings out by drumming Synchronicity on a table from start to finish.

407. What do you mean, the Playstation 2 version of Rock Band doesn’t support downloaded content? You mean I’ve got to go all the way down to the store and buy another disc if I want to pretend I’m one of the guys in Wolfmother?

408. Just play the damned DVD, Playstation! I’ve been waiting all day to watch this stupid movie! Stop being such a primadonna!

409. Glaringly obviously product placements in television shows. Remember that episode of Friends in which everyone ranted and raved about how wonderful Pottery Barn is? Well, that’s because Pottery Barn bought that entire episode. If a company like Slim Jim had put in a higher bid, then that episode probably would have been about Joey eating Slim Jims. I don’t know how much the folks at Pottery Barn actually paid, but I’m sure it was a steal.

410. Yesterday, I overheard a woman telling her friend about a guy she knew whose father had just come out. “Wow,” he said, “that’s just like Chandler.” The woman gasped and shouted “Chandler’s gay?” No, his father’s gay, and they’re both fictional people.

411. Moments later, that same guy pulled out a digital camera and said “I’m going to take a stupid picture of you!” She covered her face and shouted “No!” He said “Come on, move your hands!” She held them in place and said “No, don’t!” This went on until long after everyone else was sick of it.

412. I wrote the last two items down in a notebook while I was sitting just two feet away from those people. To tell you the truth, I felt terrible doing it. I’ll bet they totally saw me do it, and as soon as I left, they talked about what an awful person I am.

413. Rolling Stone just announced that in October, they’re going to abandon their signature large format and scale down to standard magazine size. “It feels to me just like a natural step for us to take,” their managing editor said. “It’s always exciting to shake things up a bit and to grow and to do things differently.” Well, it feels to me just like saying that you’re shaking things up and doing things differently, when what you’re actually doing is the exact same proven, profitable thing as everyone else, is basically a metaphor for everything that’s wrong with rock and roll these days.

414. I think I chipped some dental work while I was writing this post. I’d better stop writing before anything else happens.

367. The guilt I felt about taking a week off from a self-imposed blogging schedule. Even after seventeen consecutive weekly posts without missing a beat, it felt irresponsible to skip a week before finally getting around to the eighteenth installment. I’m sorry, everybody.

368. The fact that nobody seemed to care. Where was the public outcry when I failed to publish the latest post on time? Where were the calls to my house to make sure I was okay? It’s almost as if this column doesn’t have a vast and rabid following!

369. Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes died on the same weekend. That’s a bit much, don’t you think?

370. “Hey, did you hear that Bernie Mac died?” the bartender asked her friend. “Yeah,” he said. “Did you hear that Issac Hayes died?” The bartender shrugged and said “I don’t know who that is.”

371. If I had to guess, I’d say that hundreds of thousands of other people died this weekend. But they didn’t get on the news, because they weren’t famous. Is that fair? Probably, come to think of it, since the news would be even more depressing than it already is if they took the time to name every single person who died in a given day.

372. Speaking of deaths that probably aren’t getting the coverage they deserve, did you hear about the war in South Ossetia? I’d understand if you didn’t, since it began during the Olympics. I mean, yesterday’s lead story in both of Canada’s national newspapers was about a Chinese girl that the government brought in to lip-sync for another Chinese girl who was deemed too homely. That’s more important than a war, right?

373. Come to think of it, I can’t decide what’s more hypocritical. On the one hand, you’ve got the western news media, of all people, complaining about the Chinese government’s hamfisted attempts to make the state look good. On the other, you’ve got those same organizations complaining about the dishonesty of lip-syncing without western pop music as a whole grinding to a halt.

374. Hey, stop shouting into your phone! The person on the other end can hear you just fine!

375. People who say “myself” when “me” would do. “B-Dawg, Chad, and myself were chilling in the VIP lounge.” Yourself is a pompous ass!

376. For years, I thought that Bel Air was just a cab ride away from Philadelphia. As you might already know, the original theme from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air had a verse in which the Fresh Prince takes a flight to California. The problem is, they cut that verse out after the first few episodes. By the time I got around to watching the show, there was nothing in the theme to suggest that Bel Air wasn’t somewhere in Pennsylvania. Do you know how stupid I felt when I learned the truth?

377. Teenagers who wear such big pants and swagger so defiantly that it’s impossible to pass them on the sidewalk. I’m pretty sure the place I’m going is more worthwhile than wherever they’re headed. But I’ll never know, because I’ll never get there.

378. Why do I wind up feeling old whenever I make fun of teenagers? You know as well as I do that the average teenager does a lot of stupid things. Hell, I was an idiot when I was a teenager! I’m still a bit of an idiot now! But I don’t see why the fact that it’s a natural part of life should keep me from occasionally making fun of people who are still going through it.

379. You know what I think it is? Somewhere along the way, we decided to let the teenagers pick and choose what’s cool, just because they’ve got a huge disposable income. As a result, you’re made to feel like you’re out of touch if you don’t know what the kids are into. Well, have you gotten a good look at the stupid crap that the average teenager spends his money on? I don’t mean to be a snob, but popular culture in general makes a good case for keeping money out of the hands of teenagers until they learn how to use it.

380. I mean, the Jonas Brothers? Look, it’s great that they’re religious, celibate, straight edge, and so forth. But doesn’t that, plus their age, call into question the way they’re being pushed as sex symbols for teenage girls everywhere?  What are they doing looking deep and brooding on the cover of Rolling Stone? Also, what’s with their music?

381. Come to think of it, what’s with Rolling Stone? Is it my imagination, or was there a time when they covered music that mattered? Nowadays, it seems like they divide their time between mediocre pop groups and messianic portraits of Barack Obama.

382. Miley Cyrus. Again, I know I’m too old to understand it, let alone like it. But I’m old enough to remember Billy Ray Cyrus, and to fly into a blind rage over the fact that he’s getting famous again by hitching his wagon to his daughter’s star. It’s not right!

383. Did you know that Lindsay Lohan’s mother Dina once tried to pitch a talk show in which she would have shared her maternal wisdom with younger viewers? I can only assume it was going to be called For God’s Sake, Don’t Do Whatever the Hell I Did.

384. The reason the CBC is currently looking for a new Hockey Night in Canada theme is because they declined to renew their license to the theme we all know and love. Dolores Claman, the woman who composed it, filed a lawsuit against the CBC alleging that they’ve repeatedly used the theme in ways that the license doesn’t allow for, and without compensating her appropriately. So they didn’t renew their license, allowing CTV to buy the theme. If you win the contest and your theme is chosen, the same thing could happen to you!

385. By the way, that’s pretty much the only thing I know about hockey. Why do people assume that I’m some big hockey expert just because I’m Canadian? I don’t know a damned thing about hockey!

386. Okay, that’s not a hundred percent true. I know how to spot a puck in play without the aid of a computer-generated trail. Tell me that wasn’t the dumbest idea in the history of televised hockey.

387. Fine, Don Cherry’s wardrobe. I’ll give you that.

388. Ordering another pint, and thereby committing yourself to sticking around for a while longer, just as the film festival jackass at the next table starts bragging about the time he hung out with James Franco. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt the urge to stand up, look a total stranger in the eyes, pour a full pint on the ground, and tell that stranger that James Franco was only humouring him when he nodded and said they were bros. But take it from me: it’s not a good feeling.

389. Washing the blender. All those nooks and crannies and sharp blades and removable bits? Lord, how I hate washing the blender!

Sometimes you have to give credit where credit is due. Even when it means giving credit to one’s self. So after reading the following great article: http://www.studiomanifesto.ca/WP01/the-top-5-reasons-for-the-success-of-tokyo-police-club/

I decided that people could really benefit from learning how it’s done, just as the Tokyo Police Club have taught all bands how to become successful.

A little bit of background: I’ve been pooping for a really long time. In fact, I’ve been pooping for at least as long as I’ve known me. So you’ll agree when I state that I know exactly what I’m talking about. I really hope that this article helps you make the most of your own bowel movements!

1. Talent With Developed Potential.

Developed potential being the needed addition to talent. Talent alone is not enough. Without the nurturing of it, development and growth cannot occur. Take it from me, I have done a lot of growing and developing since my womb days!

• My talent is in understanding the aesthetic of my art form. However you’d like to classify what I do, “post-Burger King” is how I referred to it in my pot-smoking high school days. I understand and aim for my own nuance of the standard human expulsion of waste.
• I experiment with different foods and alcoholic beverages, different bathrooms with varying acoustic qualities and different brands of toilet paper.
• There is a groove and tunefulness in my bowel movements.

2. Attitude - in the bathroom …and in life!
Relaxed, Positive, Creative, Driven, and Proactive

• I tend to be very busy and focused during my time in the bathroom.
• I know what I want going in.
• I am well rehearsed. I know this process inside and out. Literally!
• I had fun and I kept things light. This is what is needed in order to have a creative vibe while on the can, and that’s exactly what I had. It was a great experience working this one out and I had lots of fun doing it.

3. Production Value

This particular BM had great production values, reflected in the quality, quantity, mood and the aesthetic of the audio presentation. Nuff said.

4. Great Live Show

While I have yet to receive any touring offers (I expect this to change when word gets out about this most recent piece), I would like to think that if put on the spot, I would be able to passionately and competently deliver the goods to a live audience, the world over.

5. Marketing Strategy - and most importantly, the fact that I have one

Promotion is unbelievably important when one is talking about a truly successful deuce, both before and after the fact. It’s impossible to be successful in this field without putting the word out beforehand. What if someone gets to the bathroom first? You might be left out in the cold and your most creative moments may pass you by!

Additionally, following the production, it is really important to let people know. This can be as simple as a “Phewwwww!!! …do NOT go in there for a while!” or as complicated as making a blogpost or an entire website about it. Remember, be creative in your marketing and there’s no limit to the kind of success that any form of feces may have! Just look at the Tokyo Police Club!