1,000. Seriously, why did Phil Hartman have to die?

958. I saw a homeless man the other day who looked just like George Clooney. What a stark reminder that looks aren’t everything!

959. Library fines. I slipped up and had to pay the library twelve bucks last week. I probably could have bought the damned book for twelve bucks. Totally my fault, but still.

960. Apparently, when you owe the library twelve bucks, they send a letter to your apartment telling you to pay up. Why give a person who hasn’t gotten around to finishing a book another thing to read?

961. I can’t believe the guy playing Doctor Who is leaving the show and they’re replacing him with some weird English emo kid. This complaint has been brought to you by my nerdy girlfriend.

962. I bought a leather wallet last week, and I’ve been feeling really guilty about it. I spent weeks searching for a wallet that hadn’t been made from animal products. But I couldn’t find one, so I caved and bought a leather one. Don’t tell the other self-righteous hippies, okay?

963. I bought an imitation leather belt on the weekend, after waiting for a couple of months for the shop I bought it from to get a new shipment. Throughout that time, I had to wear the most frayed, cruddy looking belt you ever saw. Sure, I feel really great about supporting an awesome vegan clothing store. But boy, was I getting sick of wearing that belt! You don’t even know, dude!

964. Needles. I can’t stand them. I don’t get flu shots and I don’t give blood because I hate the very thought of needles. It’s stupid, and in a way it’s selfish, but there you are.

965. When you’re one of only three people on a patio, and the other two know each other, then you’re basically going to get dragged into their conversation. There’s pretty much nothing you can do about it.

966. Good news! It’s a loud, lengthy talk about how tough it is to find a good man in this town! Enjoy an hour of two complete strangers rambling on about that!

967. When a woman says that all guys are idiots, she’s basically saying she’s not mature enough to deal with the differences and disagreements that are inevitably a part of every relationship. Either that, or she’s been dating the wrong guys and she’s resigned herself to repeating the same mistake.

968. When a man says that all women are psycho, he’s basically doing the male version of the above. Except the male version sounds a little more offensive for some reason. Plus, he’s probably one of the idiots that all those women are talking about. Also, does anyone smell Axe?

969. “I just don’t want to have to be alone all the time.” Well, then don’t, you know? Dating is tough and relationships are hard work, but you’re never going to find love if you’re the sort of person who thinks they have to be alone all the time. Break out of that bubble! Wayne Gretzky once said that you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take. Get over yourself and start shooting, already!

970. I’m getting pretty tired of that couple in the eHarmony commercials. You know the one I mean. I’m glad they’ve found each other, but no relationship is that cute, cuddly and perfect. I’d be much more inclined to recommend eHarmony to my single friends if they did an ad that was just a thirty-second clip from that couple’s next fight.

971. Hospitals. They’re a great idea and we can’t do without them, but that doesn’t mean they’re any fun. If you’re at a hospital right now, then I’ll bet you’re having a bad day.

972. Unless you’re a nurse or a doctor or something, in which case I thank you for choosing such a noble career. I hope the long hours and the many cuts to the health care sector haven’t put a damper on it.

973. Spending the Memorial Day morning in a hospital waiting room meant watching a precocious toddler in a suit recite the names of all the presidents on Rachael Ray. Believe me when I say you can’t throw up in a hospital waiting room without four or five orderlies tossing a clipboard full of paperwork at you.

974. Hot pink toenail polish. Man, don’t wear that.

975. “How’s it going, Matt’s Facebook friends? You don’t know me, and Matt hasn’t seen me in years, but I thought you might like to see a photo of him in the fourth grade. Okay, bye!”

976. Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I tell them I love heavy metal? I’ve been into it since I was a kid. Is it because I’m into other kinds of music? Is it because I don’t have a mullet? Is it because I’ve got a day job with a computer?

977. Maybe it’s because I look more like Marty Friedman than Tony Iommi. But I don’t see why that should matter. Would you tell Marty Friedman he’s not metal just because he’s thin and he looks a bit womanly and he probably can’t grow a beard? No, you wouldn’t. So what’s the problem?

978. I’ll bet you don’t even know who Marty Friedman is, do you? Well, then who are you to judge me?

979. Also, why do people assume that metal fans are idiots? Sure, a lot of us are, but isn’t that true of any genre? Just because you like songs about the devil doesn’t mean you’re a moron, and just because you don’t doesn’t mean you’re not.

980. Did you know that Toby Keith is a Democrat who claims he’s never supported the war in Iraq? Why don’t you think about that the next time you feel like making snap judgments about musicians?

981. To be fair, in this case, I think we’re going to have to blame the confusion on the fact that Toby Keith supported Bush’s re-election, or on the many, many songs he wrote about America kicking some Arab ass. But who knows? Maybe he’s just a complicated person, like many of today’s top artists.

982. Then again, is it really that big a contradiction to oppose an unjust war while supporting the young people who are out there fighting it? And do you really have to be a rabid conservative to disagree with the Dixie Chicks? Wake up, America!

983. Conservative pundits are mad because Obama delivered a landmark address to the Muslim world, and he didn’t say all the things they wanted him to say. But the thing is, not saying all those things is what distinguishes an important progressive speech from a steaming pile of insane reactionary bullshit. It’s not like he had the Fox News viewer vote before he made that speech, you know what I mean?

984. Two and a Half Men. More like one and a crap show!

985. Zombies as a played-out artistic theme. I’ve heard that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies isn’t bad. But now that it’s out there, maybe we should cool it with the zombies for a while.

986. I was standing on the curb the other day, waiting to cross the road. A fellow drove by with the windows down, singing along to a song on the radio, just having a great old afternoon in June. “Keep singing,” the guy standing next to me muttered to himself as the fellow drove off. “You’re never going to make it.” What an asshole, right?

987. I think I’m officially too old to hear a song like “Santeria” in a pub, or on the radio, or anywhere at all.

988. I think we’re all officially too old to hear a song like “Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in my Hand” in a pub, like I did last week, because we’re not the same age as we were during a few unfortunate weeks in 1996.

989. To be honest, though, I don’t understand why we as a culture ridicule our one-hit wonders. Do you realize how tough it is to score even one hit? You’ve probably never done it, that’s for sure. But I’ll bet if I looked at your CD shelf, I’d find a bunch of embarrassing hits from days gone by. So you can make fun of one-hit wonders all you like, but you’ve sung along to “More Than Words” at least once, and everyone knows it.

990. That said, there’s no way I’m going to get to the end of this list without calling out “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind. I know it came out twelve years ago, but frankly, I’m still mad about it.

991. And you know what? Once that song had been written, there was officially no need for “Closing Time” to exist. Think of all the grade eight dances that could be salvaged by going back in time and destroying the master tape.

992. We are indeed coming to the end of this list, and I’ve got more things left to say than I’ve got numbers left to use. As such, I’ve had to leave a few potential items off this list. The world may never know how much I hate it when the little plastic thing peels away from the end of an old shoelace, for example.

993. I guess there comes a time in the life of every work of art when you simply have to step back and say it’s complete. I mean, the alternative is basically those lame “special edition” Star Wars and E.T. remakes, and who wants that?

994. I could have easily used either of the previous two slots to talk about one of the things I’ve had to leave off this list. For that matter, I could have used this one.

995. Or I could have used this one! Damn it!

996. Contradictions. I’ll bet this list is full of them. At this point, checking to making sure it’s not would be a long, pointless ordeal.

997. Repeats. Ditto.

998. Cliffhangers.

930. Clicking the link to an online video, sitting impatiently through an ad, and then finding out you can’t watch the video because you don’t live in the States.

931. Going down to the laundromat, discovering you haven’t got anything smaller than a twenty in your wallet, and walking home with eight or nine pounds of quarters in your pocket.

932. My hair is the longest it’s been since the ninth grade. It’s getting a little unruly, and I don’t know what to do with it. Every day, I get up and go to a grown man’s job with an unkempt, shaggy haircut. I think I might have midlife crisis hair.

933. The whole idea of having a midlife crisis at twenty-nine implies that I’m going to die at fifty-eight. I don’t like that one bit.

934. Hey, you know the “good old days” that everyone’s always talking about? Well, they never existed. There has never been a time in human history when everything was great and nobody had any problems. Whenever a politician starts rambling on about the good old days, it’s a pretty safe bet that he’s trying to talk you into voting to screw somebody out of their rights. You know it, and I know it, so let’s come right out and say it.

935. According to one reviewer, Angels and Demons is supposed to top The Da Vinci Code “in every way imaginable”. By that rationale, Angels and Demons is louder, funnier, longer, shorter, and has a lot more grizzly bears driving monster trucks over school buses.

936. Also, Meg Ryan’s not in it. Which is more than you can say for a surprising amount of the movies that Tom Hanks has starred in. I think we’ve all seen enough of their “chemistry” to last us a lifetime.

937. Plus, there’s a… Look, would you mind if I changed the subject? I don’t really feel right about criticizing Tom Hanks or anything he’s done. By all accounts, he’s a wonderful, wonderful man. I just… I mean, talking about him like this makes me feel like a jerk, you know?

938. We can talk about Dane Cook instead, if you like. Now, there’s a guy who’s left his mark on the genre! More than anyone else, he’s proven that even the most wooden, obnoxious, unoriginal comedy pariah can land a leading role in a romantic comedy.

939. I mean, at least Kate Hudson was in Almost Famous. That movie came out nine years ago, and she hasn’t done anything in the same league since, but what does that have to do with anything?

940. Also, why did Anne Hathaway just team up with Kate Hudson to do a “crazy bride” movie? Isn’t that more than a little beneath her? Is she trying to balance out the one good Kate Hudson movie by doing one terrible movie of her own?

941. Sure, Microsoft ripped off the competition by working the whole “I’m a PC” thing into their own ads. But they made it their own by doing it not nearly as well.

942. And cramming their ads full of cute children? Why, that’s the extra touch that says “Our multimedia applications are easy to use, we’re conspicuously ignoring the practical applications you’ll actually use, and maybe that ought to raise a red flag or two.”

943. I’ll bet all those smug Mac users are loving this. God, those guys are so smug.

944. If the most significant thing you’ve done today is sign an online petition to bring back a television show that’s recently been cancelled, then I’m sorry, but you haven’t yet justified your day of existence on this planet. Don’t go to bed until you’ve called your parents or held a door open for someone.

945. Meanwhile, if the most significant thing you’ve done today is post an indignant, uninformed comment on your favourite newspaper’s website, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to work extra hard to prove your worth as a human being. And yes, the same goes for just about everyone else in the comments section, but that doesn’t let you off the hook.

946. I just saw an ad for a new birth control pill. Supposedly, if you take it, you’ll only get your period every three months. Now, I’m a guy, and I don’t menstruate, so I probably don’t have a right to pass judgment here. Instead, can I ask all the ladies out there if this idea is as unbelievably bad as it sounds?

947. This week, the plastics industry warned consumers that reusable cloth grocery bags could pose a public health risk. In what I’m sure was a totally objective study, they found that the bags can become contaminated with bacteria and fungus if you don’t wash them properly. I guess we’d better go back to plastic bags, right? Either that, or we could wash our cloth bags once in a while. Actually, yeah, do you guys just want to do that?

948. Journalists and news programs that cover politics the way you’d expect them to cover sports. There’s a lot more to government than one team squaring off against another. I know the way our politics are structured lends itself to that, but… I mean, you know how certain people occasionally need to be reminded that wrestling is fake? Well, maybe we ought to be reminded more often that politics is real.

949. Like the first robin of spring or the national anthem before a hockey game, the half-assed Conservative smear campaign has become an integral part of every new Liberal leader’s selection. Isn’t it cute the way they zero in on a negligible flaw, find a couple of quotes that loosely support it, and throw them at Canadian television audiences every ten minutes for weeks on end? What a completely uninsulting non-waste of everyone’s time!

950. I mean, I’ll be honest. I don’t have a problem with the fact that Michael Ignatieff lived abroad for many years. If anything, I think a little international experience is a good trait for a Prime Minister to have. It’s all fine and good for the Conservatives to claim that Ignatieff’s got no real investment in this country, but you know what? I live in Ontario. The guy who’s in charge right now has made it abundantly clear that he’s not all that bothered about my part of the country.

951. In fact, why are these ads even airing in Ontario? If I promise that there’s no way I’m ever going to vote for Harper, no matter how bad the other guy is, can I just go back to watching nothing but Rogers ads?

952. I’m a little more concerned about the fact that the Prime Minister’s Office announced that campaign to the press in an official briefing. That’s public officials, on public time, pushing their party’s campaign. That actually happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they didn’t shut down the federal government again for the sake of a rollout. But if Michael Ignatieff’s looking for a quick rebuttal, then there you go.

953. And what the hell is Cheney doing on television all of the sudden? Howcome we barely saw him during the eight years he served as vice president if he likes appearing on TV so much? Don’t you kind of feel like he had his chance and he blew it?

954. Grammar. “Hey, you know the thing you just said? Well, you were supposed to say it like this.” Oh, yeah? Well, you were supposed to get the hell out of here!

955. Hey, you know what Al Gore and I have in common? The closer we get to the end, the preachier we get.

956. All right, I’m sorry. You can’t make fun of Al Gore. He’s just… I mean again, same thing, he’s just such a great guy. I’m sorry.

902. Speaking of bands I heard on the radio this week, I know this was also a long time ago, but it really sucks that Layne Staley of Alice in Chains is dead.

903. Of course, it was an utterly predictable death. That doesn’t make it any less tragic, but you know what I mean.

904. Come to think of it, that’s exactly what does make it tragic. You see, a tragedy is a tale of the inevitable downfall of a great but fundamentally flawed character. Layne Staley’s death by drug overdose was tragic in the literary sense. But you can’t just throw that word around whenever something bad happens, like a car crash or a landslide. Watch the news one night and count the number of times they misuse that word.

905. In fact, why don’t you make it a drinking game? Everything else on Earth is a drinking game, so why not that?

906. Kurt Cobain died too. Did you hear about that? It was terrible.

907. Chris Cornell of Soundgarden is still alive, and good for him. I’m not going to joke about his death, and I want to go on the record right now with the fact that I don’t wish him any harm. On the contrary, I’d like him to go back to living with the passion and intensity of his early creative output, instead of teaming up with Timbaland or Moby to shrug out a track too dull to play at a dentist’s office.

908. Oh, for God’s sake! Jessica Simpson didn’t get fat! She put on a few pounds, and that’s it! She’s not fat!

909. Neither is Kim Kardashian, damn it! Also, who is she, exactly? Why is she famous? For not being fat? That’s the impression I’m getting from all those magazine covers.

910. People who shout “spoiler alert!” before they give away an important plot point in a movie or a television series. I know it’s a courtesy, but it’s still pretty lame.

911. How are we supposed to believe that Jack Bauer, a man who has sacrificed everything for the good of his country, is about to spend a two-hour season finale trying to save Kim Bauer, a one-dimensional character that America basically hates?

912. Oh, no! Miss California said something about gay marriage and how she’s against it! And that’s a big deal, because let’s all care what a beauty contest winner has to say about an important social issue! No, I mean it! Let’s argue about that for a week!

913. As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with Donald Trump, who I think was asked to comment on the Miss California debacle this week because he owns the company that built her or something like that. What he essentially said was that if Miss California wasn’t a beautiful, famous woman, then nobody would care what she thinks about same-sex marriage. And when you put it that way, you make it sound like North Americans in general are the shallowest bunch of dinks you’d ever want to meet. But you know what? He’s not wrong.

914. God, I hate that Donald Trump. He’s just such a jackass.

915. Miracle Whip is pitching itself as the nonconformist’s condiment. “We’re not like the others,” their ad says. “We will not tone it down.” Miracle Whip, by the way, is mayonnaise.

916. If anything, horseradish is the nonconformist’s condiment.

917. Just because you’re guaranteed the right to demonstrate peacefully doesn’t mean you can protest on a major highway and jeopardize public safety.

918. On the other hand, the fact that a number of people did that on Sunday night doesn’t invalidate anyone’s right to protest, let alone negate the issues at hand.

919. Mind you, it did shatter in an instant a lot of the public support that peaceful protestors had to work hard to build up. In fact, I’ve heard that counter-protestors are now showing up at the demonstrations.

920. Of course, I’m willing to bet that a lot of those people are motivated by ignorance and fear of the protestors themselves, as opposed to a well-informed opinion on the violence in Sri Lanka. In fact, I’d say there’s a whole lot of people out there right now telling a whole lot of other people to go back to where they came from.

921. If you’ve been on the Internet this week, you know what I’m talking about. I actually had to get off the web and get back to work on Monday afternoon, because I couldn’t take one more poorly written, grossly uninformed and borderline racist comment. Not everybody who respects the rights of the protestors is a terrorist, okay?

922. You know what’s just as bad? Lurking in a comment thread waiting for someone to say something that could be mildly misconstrued as intolerant so you can call them out and show everyone how progressive you are. Not everybody who has some concerns about the protestors is a racist, okay?

923. What is it about the Internet that compels people to pick the dumbest, most ignorant fights they possibly can with each other? Is it because it gives everyday people a voice? Is it the instantaneous nature of the medium? Is is the fact that you can say whatever you want with anonymity and you’ll never have to back it up face to face? Oh, it’s all of those things but mostly the last one? Okay, then.

924. In fact, you might say that the violent conflict in Sri Lanka is a pretty complex issue that a lot of us here in Canada don’t fully understand! Maybe that’s why we’re yelling about semantics instead of talking about the real issues. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know the half of it. On the other hand, maybe it’s just because we’re lazy and self-involved.

925. I can’t stop biting my nails.

926. I can’t stop grinding my teeth.

927. I can stop drinking any time I want.

928. Andrew Lloyd Webber.

883. Also, that’s a simile.

884. Plus, it’s admittedly not a very good one. So if that’s where your writing is at, then perhaps you ought to just keep it literal for a little while longer.

885. The first time I typed out the sentence above, I typed “If that’s where you’re writing is at,” so I guess I don’t have much of a right to judge anybody’s literary skills.

886. “Are you glad that this moment happened?” I heard a hippie ask another hippie on Monday night. “Does it reaffirm your belief that you’re doing the right thing?”

887. Man, don’t talk on the phone while you’re at a urinal, dude.

888. What? Don’t tell the guy you’re talking to that you’re peeing! Why would you do that?

889. And now you’re bragging about the headset you wear around so you can take a call when you’re at a urinal? What, do you sell those things? Nobody wants to hear about that. I can tell from your end of the conversation that the guy you’re talking to certainly doesn’t!

890. This whole awkward moment at the urinal feels like it’s been going on forever! How much did you have to drink today, anyway?

891. Even though medical science has firmly established that the swine flu doesn’t pose any more of a threat than the typical flu, certain news organizations are still covering it like it’s a global pandemic in the making. I guess it’s a slow news month.

892. I mean, I get that people are scared of this strange new flu, and they want to learn as much as they can about it. But maybe they wouldn’t be so scared if the media hadn’t blown it all out of proportion right from the start. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s almost as if they want their viewers to be scared so they’ll keep tuning in!

893. Did you know the flu supposedly kills thousands and thousands of people every year? I mean, the flu!

894. The Liberal Party of Canada has a new leader, and the first thing the Conservatives had to say about it is that now is not the time for an election. Well, sure, because they’d lose big time.

895. But even though I don’t often get to say this, Harper’s kind of right. “We just had an election,” he told the press. And yes, that election was his idea, but still.

896. It’s bad enough when a street car gets rerouted because of construction, but nothing makes the extra miles seem longer like sitting next to a couple of morons arguing over whether “the Terminator guy” did a good job of playing Batman.

897. The “bro” who knew that Christian Bale played Batman in both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight wasn’t loud or obnoxious enough to convince the “bro” who thought it was a different guy in Batman Begins that he was wrong - even though he clearly, totally was.

898. I mean, come on. You’re both playing with brand new iPhones on the bus and you can’t take the time to look it up instead of continuing to argue at the top of your lungs at the back of the street car about it? Then why do we even have technology?

899. While you’re at it, look up Michael Keaton’s name and stop talking about how “the Beetlejuice guy was fuckin’, like, the best Batman, bro.”

900. Anyway, at the end of all that, the guy who didn’t like Christian Bale spent a full five minutes pretending a banana was his penis. The other guy loved it so much he called him a fag.

865. There will never be an ice cream man who tears through the neighbourhood doing hairpin turns and blasting “Rock You Like a Hurricane” at top volume, even though that would pretty much be the best thing ever.

866. If it ever does happen, then I’ll pretty much have to sue, because I’ve just proven that I had the idea first and that’s the way we handle things in this stupid litigious society of ours.

867. Not knowing whether a record should be spun at 33 RPM or 45 RPM. I’ve got all these weird electronic records, and for all I know, I’ve been playing them all at the wrong RPM all along.

868. 78 RPM. I mean, calm down, right?

869. Intelligent Dance Music. What a pompous name for a genre.

870. Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music. I dare you to get through the whole thing in one sitting.

871. You’d better not try it with the vinyl version, though, because I heard the last disc has a lock groove. So basically it never, ever ends.

872. The sneaking suspicion that Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music might be one of the best albums ever made.

873. Did you know that Grimace used to be an evil monster? Go ahead and look it up. What’s that about?

874. There was a guy on the patio the other day just sneezing at the top of his lungs. Like, he wasn’t holding back at all. It was like he wanted to make sure that everyone knew he was sneezing. It was so loud that a guy driving a steamroller in a road crew thirty feet away gave him dirty looks for making so much noise.

875. He had one of those shirts with the little alligator logo on it too.

876. I saw a picture of a guy who got that alligator tattooed on his bare chest. Why would you want to commit to being that guy for the rest of your life?

877. Not being able to tell if the two people talking about work at the next table are colleagues or a couple. When you’re riding that line, you’re either in a really boring relationship or a sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

878. I actually heard the guy use the words “the most bizarre moment of my professional life to date” in conversation. It felt like the entire patio should have turned around and shouted “How bizarre was it?” Or at least loosened his tie or something, you know?

879. When is this rain going to stop? If the saying that April showers bring May flowers is true, then this rain has until exactly midnight to stop. Otherwise, it’s just not fair.

880. Why do I only remember that I need to buy an umbrella when it’s pouring and I’m on my way to work without one? Wouldn’t it make more sense to remember to buy one when I’m walking by the umbrella store or wherever they sell umbrellas?

881. Come to think of it, why has the Hamburglar never been brought to justice? Is it because the sheer ubiquity of a McDonald’s ad campaign makes it impossible to build an impartial jury?

863. You know what else? I really hate phoning it in.

847. Who knew that a two-minute visit to Grand & Toy was enough time to get Kim Wilde’s version of “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” stuck in my head for the rest of the day?

848. I didn’t even want to mention that last item because I didn’t want to risk putting you, the reader, in the same situation. If I did, then I’m sorry. Unless you really like that song, in which case you’re welcome.

849. I’ve got a feeling, deep down, that at least half of the people who call themselves libertarians don’t have any idea what libertarianism actually is. I think there’s a lot more to it than telling everyone they’d better leave you alone because you get to do whatever you want.

850. The same thing goes for anarchism. Well, it’s almost the same thing. The anarchism version has a lot more explosions and graffiti. I guess that’s why teenagers like it so much.

851. On the bus today, I overheard a bunch of teenagers talking about going camping this weekend. One of them suggested going in on a couple of cases a beer together, instead of each of them buying their own six packs. “Whoa!” another one marvelled. “Did you just, like, get this idea right now?” Remember being so young and innocent that you could do with getting cut off before you’d even started drinking?

852. “We can take my car,” one of them said. Then she rolled her eyes and said “I mean my father’s car”. She really made a big production out of it. Well, why not get your own car, right? Or if you can’t afford your own car, then why not get a less ridiculous sense of entitlement?

853. One of them even talked about bringing “gourmet s’mores” this weekend. I don’t know what a gourmet s’more is, but I’m guessing it totally misses the point of s’mores in general. It seems like the sort of thing you’d eat while wearing Chanel bug spray under a lean-to inspired by Frank Lloyd Wright. That’s like how Kanye West goes camping! Honest to God, these damned kids today!

854. Long-winded answers to rhetorical questions. You know what I mean? If you do, keep it to yourself, because that was a rhetorical question and that’s how they work.

855. There’s a show on TV called Ultimate Recipe Showdown. One of those words doesn’t go with the other two words.

856. Today I saw a guy walking his dog in rollerblades. Well, I guess “walking” is a pretty strong word, since he wasn’t even moving his legs. Essentially, the dog was the one doing the walking, and the guy was just letting himself get dragged down Yonge Street. The only way I can deal with that as a rational human being is to assume that society now has seeing eye dogs except they’re for guys who not only still wear rollerblades, but apparently do so just so they never have to go to the trouble of actually moving their damned legs.

857. “Actually, the word ‘rollerblade’ is a trademark. You probably meant to say ‘inline skate’ back there. That trivial distinction was totally worth bringing up in the middle of everything.”

858. Women who scream “This is my jam!” or words to that effect every time the DJ at a club plays a new track. They can’t all be your jam, damn it! Otherwise, what’s the point of even distinguishing jams from non-jams?

859. Somewhere, at this very moment, someone is naming their newborn baby after a state.

860. “If your whole life is shit, at least you can have a decent watch on.” And if I’ve gotten to the point where I’m buying watches from spammers just so I can claim one small, desperate victory, then yes, my whole life is probably shit.

861. A giant receipt for the gum I just bought? Well, I’d better rush home and put that into the incredibly anal filing system you must assume I have.

823. “My Little Pony at a bar.” I don’t know what that’s about either.

824. I nearly got hit by a trolley the other day! I didn’t even know Toronto had trolleys! I could have been killed by something I’m still not entirely convinced was real!

825. Today, while working under a deadline, I got interrupted by no less than half a dozen long emails reminding me how important it was to stay focused on meeting that deadline. Okay, then!

826. St. Patrick’s Day. I like it as much as the next guy, but let’s say you were… I don’t know, Hungarian. Let’s say you were Hungarian, and every year there was a day when everyone not only pretended that they were Hungarian too, but also took it as an excuse to get drunk and behave like jackasses, because that’s what Hungarians do. I guess that’s my whole thing about St. Patrick’s Day.

827. If you don’t know why the Irish pub also hung orange and white balloons in addition to the green ones, then I think society should get to turn your backwards ball cap the right way around.

828. Seriously, I saw so many backwards ball caps! You’d figure Hootie and the Blowfish were the ones who chased the damned snakes out of Ireland.

829. Another band I don’t particularly care for is Matchbox 20.

830. I wore a green jacket on St. Patrick’s Day, but only because it was cold, I only own one jacket, and that’s what colour it happens to be. All day long, frat boys and administrative assistants smiled at me like we were all in some kind of club.

831. I saw two guys on Yonge Street in matching “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts. Knock it off unless you’re a gay couple, dudes, in which case that’s admittedly pretty adorable!

832. Green beer. Bleah!

833. Really? You’re drinking a Guinness? You put a lot of thought into that one, huh?

834. Shamrock Shakes. Why don’t we have these anymore? Why can’t we have them all year round? They’re delicious and totally worth being sick and bloated for an hour afterwards.

835. There was puke all over the sidewalk on the walk to work the next morning. I mean, it was everywhere!

836. Liam Neeson, the most Irish guy around, spent St. Patrick’s Day watching his wife being flown to the hospital in New York where she would die the following day. I don’t have a joke about that, for obvious reasons. I just wanted to point out how utterly horrible that is.

837. Escalating political violence in Northern Ireland. This one’s also terrible! Things were looking up for a while, too. Let’s turn it back around, Ireland!

838. Not to mention the Middle East. Cut it out over there!

839. Why is the Canadian government trying to block a British MP who’s critical of the war in Afghanistan from speaking in our country? I know they say it’s because he’s supported terrorism, but we haven’t seen much evidence of that. Are they worried that he’s going to say something critical and controversial? Because I’m pretty sure that in Canada, it’s okay to do that. In fact, don’t we have a tradition of going to war to defend rights like that?

840. Also, did you know that our country’s Minister of Science apparently doesn’t believe in evolution? Doesn’t that seem like it ought to be part of the job?

841. The Minister himself has said his personal beliefs aren’t important, and his advocates are quick to point out that his right to believe what he wants is protected by the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. That’s absolutely true, but when it comes to his job, his beliefs are highly relevant. If you don’t believe in God, that’s fine, and that’s your right, but you can’t be the Pope.

842. Hey, did you see Glenn Beck pretending to cry on TV because he loves America so much? What the hell was that?

843. Did you see it another fifty times on every episode of The Colbert Report that’s aired since? They’re running it into the ground a bit, aren’t they? Yeah, he’s an incompetent lunatic, we get it.

844. My girlfriend recently overheard a man in a bar tell his friend that he was “leveraged to the tits.” I don’t even know what that means, and I’m disgusted by it.

845. Wait a minute, you know what that first thing was? I heard a guy humming the theme from Rocky while standing in line at a Harvey’s. It was such an incongruous image that I wanted to share it with you, but I realize it wasn’t worth the wait. I’ll try to come back in a month with better material.

799. Hell, I don’t even know how it’s written. Is it Daylight saving time? Savings time? Saving’s time? Does it get capitalized? Ask any two people, and I guarantee you won’t get the same answer.

800. It’s got something to do with farmers, right? Is it one of those weird government things, like when they get paid not to grow crops?

801. I mean, you guys know we don’t actually gain and lose hours of daylight, right? It’s all the same amount of time and daylight. They just move the clocks around. What a scam!

802. Damn it, March weather! All the other months have a sense of narrative! Some get colder, others get warmer… Look at you, March! You make no sense at all!

803. I used to have a really weird lump on my index finger, right below the base of the nail. I’ve got no idea what was happening there.

804. The reason I don’t have that lump anymore is because I was building a table the other night, my hand slipped, and I sliced it off.

805. I don’t know if it’s going to heal into a new lump, or a normal finger, or what. I sure hope it doesn’t become a weird new third thing, like a super lump or something.

806. The table I built has a warped leg.

807. Which doesn’t really matter, because the floor in my living room isn’t anywhere close to level.

808. That’s enough with “I want to go to there,” everybody. I know we’re all having a great time with it, but let’s all give it a minute. Mass culture’s been quoting a comedian’s toddler for weeks now.

809. What? You’re not on Twitter? Then how do you know what your friends are having for dinner?

810. Shut up, Old Navy.

811. You shut up too, Rogers My5 kids! How did I manage to complain about eight hundred and ten things before I got around to you? It’s not like I haven’t been reminded of how annoying your ads are every single day since long before this project started!

812. And you know what? It’s not even the Rogers My5 kids I’m mad at. An actor’s got to work, right? They don’t get to write their dialogue, and it wasn’t their idea to run two of those spots in every ad break from now until the end of time. But they’re the ones who inevitably take the heat because they’re the public faces of the campaign. You need to think about that, Rogers My5 kids!

813. “I can’t believe you’re going away to school! By which I guess I mean I can’t believe you’re only going to school now, since we’re clearly all several years older than the average frosh.”

814. Goo Goo Dolls. I don’t understand how such a mediocre band has managed to thrive for more than twenty years now.

815. Oh, wait, radio, right.

816. Daddy longlegs. Get out of my apartment and my nightmares, you crazy insect!

817. “Actually, the daddy longlegs is an arachnid, not an insect, because blah blah blah nobody cares.”

818. I just read Warren Ellis’s debut novel. It’s great and everything, but boy, that guy likes writing his female leads into the role of assistant to the male protagonist! And yes, they’re inevitably more intelligent, worldly and capable than their male counterparts, but I’m worried that the teenage nerds who read Ellis’s work might not see it that way.

819. Which is ironic, because the entire point of the book is that people should be allowed to make their own decisions and moral judgments without being policed by a so-called moral minority. And damn it, he’s absolutely right. He even set the novel in America, where the paradox of a country founded on personal freedom and run by fundamentalist whiners is practically a point of pride. Well played, Warren Ellis!

820. Howcome whenever a small group of fascist dunces calls for a ban on a book, record or movie, just because they assume they’re the only ones in the country who don’t need mittens pinned to their sleeves, nobody ever questions the fact that they were ever allowed to read the Bible, or the Qur’An, or any of the other important books that millions of reasonable, rational people managed to read and benefit from without becoming insufferable assholes who somehow came to believe it was their job to tell the rest of the country how to live and what to avoid? I’m sorry, and I know the only reason I’m saying it is because I just read a Warren Ellis novel and I’m all riled up. But it’s the truth, and it’s got to be stopped.

821. Settle down, Grace Jones.