A Thousand Things That Piss Me Off (Part 21)
434. I worked on Labour Day. Not because my office was open, but because I knew I had a lot of work do, and I knew I could do it from home. So really, it’s my own damned fault.
435. I also worked a total of twenty-four hours in the past two days. Not only did I not take a day off work, but I took on an extra day to boot. In my defense, however, that extra day totally wasn’t my idea.
436. Somewhere near the end of that marathon, Simply Red’s “Holding Back the Years” came on the radio, and I very nearly started crying. I wish I were making that up.
437. All right, fine! It wasn’t the radio! It was iTunes! I have a copy of that song on my computer! Want to fight about it?
438. And you know what the worst part is? Now that all the work is done, I can’t even go out and celebrate because I’ve got to stay in and complain about a bunch of things that bother me. You know, my friend Mike hosts a really great soul night in the east end on Wednesdays, and I can never go because that’s my night to yell and scream into the endless depths of cyberspace. Somebody out there is actually taking the time to read this self-indulgent crap, right?
439. Man, don’t wear crocs. What the hell is the matter with you?
440. Showing up at the Beer Store just in time to get in line behind the old woman who scours my neighbourhood for empties every night, and then brings them back to the store a few hundred at a time.
441. Standing in line to buy beer behind a guy trying to exchange a case of one brand for a case of another. “This isn’t what I meant to buy!” he shouted. It kind of makes you wonder how he ever got served in the first place, doesn’t it?
442. Oh, that’s right. The staff don’t care.
443. Maybe they could learn a thing or two about enthusiasm from the neighbourhood drunk who comes to the Beer Store just to hang around and shoot the shit.
444. Judge Judy. I mean, I get the impression that nobody actually likes Judge Judy, so I’m probably not going out on a limb with this one. But I also get the feeling that not enough people think she’s… Well, she’s a mockery of the entire system of justice and laws upon which our society, however imperfect, is based. Just putting that out there.
445. What about all the sassy judges that started popping up on television after Judge Judy hit the big time? How sad and pathetic do you have to be to live on Judge Judy’s leftovers? These are people who saw Judge Judy on television one day, and said “That’s what I want to do with my life, even though the best I can possibly hope to achieve is to be compared unfavourably to Judge Judy.” I mean, screw King Solomon, right? Let’s hear what these people have to say about our civil disputes.
446. Guys in Superman t-shirts. That’s the beginning of a disappointing future in which nobody ever mistakes you for Superman.
447. I’ve got a zit or a lump or something in my left ear. It’s not much, but it’s enough to prevent me from wearing ear buds comfortably. I haven’t heard the left side of a song in days.
448. Worrying that something as simple as a lump or a zit is actually cancer. I mean, it’s obviously not cancer. But what if it is, you know? What if it’s cancer?
449. A Coldplay video directed by Hype Williams? Well, I don’t even know why that bothers me! But for whatever reason, it does.
450. The air show. Not that it wasn’t nice of them to save me the trouble of going by flying over my house all weekend. But to be honest, I could have done without it.
451. In about five billion years, the sun’s going to start expanding as it enters what astronomers call a “red giant phase”. When that happens, there’s a pretty good chance that Earth will be absorbed by the sun.
452. Thankfully, since the surface temperature of the sun is slowly but steadily rising, we’ve only got about a billion years before the surface of Earth becomes too hot to sustain water in a liquid form. Once that happens, all life on Earth will come to an end. Which sucks, but it sure beats watching everything you’ve ever known and everyone you’ve ever loved being consumed by a giant wave of fire from outer space.
453. By the time any of that stuff happens, we’ll all have been dead for millions and millions of years. Hell, when viewed on that kind of timeline, your death is basically right around the corner.
454. Adult diapers. There’s a pretty good chance you’re going to need them someday. Sure, you’ve laughed at the television commercials, and I’ll bet you even laughed when you read the words “adult diapers” just now. Nobody ever thinks it’s going to happen to them. But time makes fools of us all, my friends. Time makes fools of us all.
455. Frosh week parades on the street below my office. I haven’t slept in days! Whatever happened to drinking too much, going to the hospital, and leaving the rest of us alone?