21. People who fight with each other in public, forcing everyone around them to sit there and pretend it’s not happening.

22. People who fight with other people on their mobile phones in public. This one’s even worse, because you’re only privy to one side of the conversation. How are you supposed to choose a side?

23. The fact that people are still willing to put Ann Coulter on television whenever she writes another book full of crazy bullshit. There are plenty of decent, intelligent people out there who don’t happen to be vicious psychotics, and they don’t get to go on television nearly as often as Ann Coulter. Most of them never get to go on television at all! I’m not talking about me specifically, but… No, you know what? Put me on television instead of Ann Coulter. Put a duck on television instead of Ann Coulter! It doesn’t even have to know how to do tricks! Just an ordinary duck, you know?

24. The wifi service in my apartment is kind of crappy.

25. Those episodes of The Simpsons where they do three lame spoofs of fables, Bible stories, and anything else they can find in the public domain. I mean, I know we’ve all wondered what it would have been like if Benjamin Franklin were Homer, but still.

26. Benjamin Franklin. What a preachy know-it-all!

27. The fact that I just name-checked The Simpsons for the second time in as many weeks. There’s really no getting away from that show.

28. People in their twenties and thirties who make good money writing songs about how tough it is to be a teenager.

29. The fact that I can’t grow a beard.

30. The fact that even though I can’t grow a beard, I still have to shave on a daily basis. You see, I can grow just enough of a beard that skipping a day means telling the world that my face only made it halfway through puberty.

31. Any conversation that begins with “Dude, I had the craziest dream last night!”

32. Meetings and conferences that only seem to exist for the sake of getting together and exchanging business cards.

33. Showing up for one of those meetings and realizing that I’ve left all of my business cards at the office.

34. People who use the word “literally” incorrectly. It literally annoys me, but it doesn’t literally make my head explode.

35. Strangers who strike up conversations about the weather when they could just as easily leave you alone.

36. Getting drunk and saying something stupid.

37. Saying something stupid when you’re sober and you can’t blame it on being drunk.

38. Those Wendy’s commercials with those two guys who keep calling their milkshake a “soquid”. You know the ones I’m talking about, right? It’s not a liquid, and it’s not a solid, so it must be a “soquid”. We can put aside the fact that those two guys were annoying even by “two guys in an ad” standards, and you can totally disagree with my opinion that any ad campaign that tries to coin a new phrase is insulting in and of itself. But what about that day back in grade school when we all learned that anything that isn’t a solid or a liquid is a gas? I know those ads haven’t aired for like a year now, but what can I tell you? I still get angry just thinking about them.

39. Any commercial that features at least one animal who’s been made to talk through the “magic” of CGI, with the possible exception of that one with that bull who sang about steak sauce. That ad was pretty good, but it was also pretty creepy, so I’m on the fence about it.

40. Those commercials for that steak house with those two mounted animal heads that talk to each other while people try to enjoy their dinner. I mean, I’m a vegetarian, so I don’t tend to go in for fast food or steak house ads in general. But at least give me something that doesn’t make me picture two disembodied heads who are forced to spend a hellish eternity hung on the wall of some off-ramp restaurant chain. Every time I see one of those ads, all I can picture is those two heads shouting “Why can’t we die? Why can’t we die?”

41. In fact, you know what? Why can’t I see an ad in which those “soquid” guys have been decapitated? Obviously, I don’t wish the actors themselves any harm, but let’s get some heads on the chopping block. It doesn’t even have to be an ad for Wendy’s. Whatever you’re selling on the basis of mounting the still-living heads of those two guys on a wall somewhere, I’m willing to buy it. An SUV with a confederate flag on the hood? I don’t care, man, let’s do this.

42. Obnoxious hippies who whine and complain about meat, SUVs and racism. Shut up, right?

This entry was posted by Matty on Wednesday, April 16th, 2008 at 10:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.