882. Hey, you know what? Don’t use the word “metaphorical” to drive home the fact that you’re being metaphorical in your writing. Don’t say “the tension filled the room like metaphorical storm clouds,” okay? Just say “like storm clouds.”

883. Also, that’s a simile.

884. Plus, it’s admittedly not a very good one. So if that’s where your writing is at, then perhaps you ought to just keep it literal for a little while longer.

885. The first time I typed out the sentence above, I typed “If that’s where you’re writing is at,” so I guess I don’t have much of a right to judge anybody’s literary skills.

886. “Are you glad that this moment happened?” I heard a hippie ask another hippie on Monday night. “Does it reaffirm your belief that you’re doing the right thing?”

887. Man, don’t talk on the phone while you’re at a urinal, dude.

888. What? Don’t tell the guy you’re talking to that you’re peeing! Why would you do that?

889. And now you’re bragging about the headset you wear around so you can take a call when you’re at a urinal? What, do you sell those things? Nobody wants to hear about that. I can tell from your end of the conversation that the guy you’re talking to certainly doesn’t!

890. This whole awkward moment at the urinal feels like it’s been going on forever! How much did you have to drink today, anyway?

891. Even though medical science has firmly established that the swine flu doesn’t pose any more of a threat than the typical flu, certain news organizations are still covering it like it’s a global pandemic in the making. I guess it’s a slow news month.

892. I mean, I get that people are scared of this strange new flu, and they want to learn as much as they can about it. But maybe they wouldn’t be so scared if the media hadn’t blown it all out of proportion right from the start. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s almost as if they want their viewers to be scared so they’ll keep tuning in!

893. Did you know the flu supposedly kills thousands and thousands of people every year? I mean, the flu!

894. The Liberal Party of Canada has a new leader, and the first thing the Conservatives had to say about it is that now is not the time for an election. Well, sure, because they’d lose big time.

895. But even though I don’t often get to say this, Harper’s kind of right. “We just had an election,” he told the press. And yes, that election was his idea, but still.

896. It’s bad enough when a street car gets rerouted because of construction, but nothing makes the extra miles seem longer like sitting next to a couple of morons arguing over whether “the Terminator guy” did a good job of playing Batman.

897. The “bro” who knew that Christian Bale played Batman in both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight wasn’t loud or obnoxious enough to convince the “bro” who thought it was a different guy in Batman Begins that he was wrong - even though he clearly, totally was.

898. I mean, come on. You’re both playing with brand new iPhones on the bus and you can’t take the time to look it up instead of continuing to argue at the top of your lungs at the back of the street car about it? Then why do we even have technology?

899. While you’re at it, look up Michael Keaton’s name and stop talking about how “the Beetlejuice guy was fuckin’, like, the best Batman, bro.”

900. Anyway, at the end of all that, the guy who didn’t like Christian Bale spent a full five minutes pretending a banana was his penis. The other guy loved it so much he called him a fag.

This entry was posted by Matty on Thursday, May 7th, 2009 at 10:26 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.