929. Ah, spring! The time when a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love, and I remember that my second-floor apartment isn’t air conditioned.

930. Clicking the link to an online video, sitting impatiently through an ad, and then finding out you can’t watch the video because you don’t live in the States.

931. Going down to the laundromat, discovering you haven’t got anything smaller than a twenty in your wallet, and walking home with eight or nine pounds of quarters in your pocket.

932. My hair is the longest it’s been since the ninth grade. It’s getting a little unruly, and I don’t know what to do with it. Every day, I get up and go to a grown man’s job with an unkempt, shaggy haircut. I think I might have midlife crisis hair.

933. The whole idea of having a midlife crisis at twenty-nine implies that I’m going to die at fifty-eight. I don’t like that one bit.

934. Hey, you know the “good old days” that everyone’s always talking about? Well, they never existed. There has never been a time in human history when everything was great and nobody had any problems. Whenever a politician starts rambling on about the good old days, it’s a pretty safe bet that he’s trying to talk you into voting to screw somebody out of their rights. You know it, and I know it, so let’s come right out and say it.

935. According to one reviewer, Angels and Demons is supposed to top The Da Vinci Code “in every way imaginable”. By that rationale, Angels and Demons is louder, funnier, longer, shorter, and has a lot more grizzly bears driving monster trucks over school buses.

936. Also, Meg Ryan’s not in it. Which is more than you can say for a surprising amount of the movies that Tom Hanks has starred in. I think we’ve all seen enough of their “chemistry” to last us a lifetime.

937. Plus, there’s a… Look, would you mind if I changed the subject? I don’t really feel right about criticizing Tom Hanks or anything he’s done. By all accounts, he’s a wonderful, wonderful man. I just… I mean, talking about him like this makes me feel like a jerk, you know?

938. We can talk about Dane Cook instead, if you like. Now, there’s a guy who’s left his mark on the genre! More than anyone else, he’s proven that even the most wooden, obnoxious, unoriginal comedy pariah can land a leading role in a romantic comedy.

939. I mean, at least Kate Hudson was in Almost Famous. That movie came out nine years ago, and she hasn’t done anything in the same league since, but what does that have to do with anything?

940. Also, why did Anne Hathaway just team up with Kate Hudson to do a “crazy bride” movie? Isn’t that more than a little beneath her? Is she trying to balance out the one good Kate Hudson movie by doing one terrible movie of her own?

941. Sure, Microsoft ripped off the competition by working the whole “I’m a PC” thing into their own ads. But they made it their own by doing it not nearly as well.

942. And cramming their ads full of cute children? Why, that’s the extra touch that says “Our multimedia applications are easy to use, we’re conspicuously ignoring the practical applications you’ll actually use, and maybe that ought to raise a red flag or two.”

943. I’ll bet all those smug Mac users are loving this. God, those guys are so smug.

944. If the most significant thing you’ve done today is sign an online petition to bring back a television show that’s recently been cancelled, then I’m sorry, but you haven’t yet justified your day of existence on this planet. Don’t go to bed until you’ve called your parents or held a door open for someone.

945. Meanwhile, if the most significant thing you’ve done today is post an indignant, uninformed comment on your favourite newspaper’s website, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to work extra hard to prove your worth as a human being. And yes, the same goes for just about everyone else in the comments section, but that doesn’t let you off the hook.

946. I just saw an ad for a new birth control pill. Supposedly, if you take it, you’ll only get your period every three months. Now, I’m a guy, and I don’t menstruate, so I probably don’t have a right to pass judgment here. Instead, can I ask all the ladies out there if this idea is as unbelievably bad as it sounds?

947. This week, the plastics industry warned consumers that reusable cloth grocery bags could pose a public health risk. In what I’m sure was a totally objective study, they found that the bags can become contaminated with bacteria and fungus if you don’t wash them properly. I guess we’d better go back to plastic bags, right? Either that, or we could wash our cloth bags once in a while. Actually, yeah, do you guys just want to do that?

948. Journalists and news programs that cover politics the way you’d expect them to cover sports. There’s a lot more to government than one team squaring off against another. I know the way our politics are structured lends itself to that, but… I mean, you know how certain people occasionally need to be reminded that wrestling is fake? Well, maybe we ought to be reminded more often that politics is real.

949. Like the first robin of spring or the national anthem before a hockey game, the half-assed Conservative smear campaign has become an integral part of every new Liberal leader’s selection. Isn’t it cute the way they zero in on a negligible flaw, find a couple of quotes that loosely support it, and throw them at Canadian television audiences every ten minutes for weeks on end? What a completely uninsulting non-waste of everyone’s time!

950. I mean, I’ll be honest. I don’t have a problem with the fact that Michael Ignatieff lived abroad for many years. If anything, I think a little international experience is a good trait for a Prime Minister to have. It’s all fine and good for the Conservatives to claim that Ignatieff’s got no real investment in this country, but you know what? I live in Ontario. The guy who’s in charge right now has made it abundantly clear that he’s not all that bothered about my part of the country.

951. In fact, why are these ads even airing in Ontario? If I promise that there’s no way I’m ever going to vote for Harper, no matter how bad the other guy is, can I just go back to watching nothing but Rogers ads?

952. I’m a little more concerned about the fact that the Prime Minister’s Office announced that campaign to the press in an official briefing. That’s public officials, on public time, pushing their party’s campaign. That actually happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they didn’t shut down the federal government again for the sake of a rollout. But if Michael Ignatieff’s looking for a quick rebuttal, then there you go.

953. And what the hell is Cheney doing on television all of the sudden? Howcome we barely saw him during the eight years he served as vice president if he likes appearing on TV so much? Don’t you kind of feel like he had his chance and he blew it?

954. Grammar. “Hey, you know the thing you just said? Well, you were supposed to say it like this.” Oh, yeah? Well, you were supposed to get the hell out of here!

955. Hey, you know what Al Gore and I have in common? The closer we get to the end, the preachier we get.

956. All right, I’m sorry. You can’t make fun of Al Gore. He’s just… I mean again, same thing, he’s just such a great guy. I’m sorry.

This entry was posted by Matty on Thursday, May 21st, 2009 at 11:21 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.