957. If you’re not on a bike anymore, you can take off the helmet.

958. I saw a homeless man the other day who looked just like George Clooney. What a stark reminder that looks aren’t everything!

959. Library fines. I slipped up and had to pay the library twelve bucks last week. I probably could have bought the damned book for twelve bucks. Totally my fault, but still.

960. Apparently, when you owe the library twelve bucks, they send a letter to your apartment telling you to pay up. Why give a person who hasn’t gotten around to finishing a book another thing to read?

961. I can’t believe the guy playing Doctor Who is leaving the show and they’re replacing him with some weird English emo kid. This complaint has been brought to you by my nerdy girlfriend.

962. I bought a leather wallet last week, and I’ve been feeling really guilty about it. I spent weeks searching for a wallet that hadn’t been made from animal products. But I couldn’t find one, so I caved and bought a leather one. Don’t tell the other self-righteous hippies, okay?

963. I bought an imitation leather belt on the weekend, after waiting for a couple of months for the shop I bought it from to get a new shipment. Throughout that time, I had to wear the most frayed, cruddy looking belt you ever saw. Sure, I feel really great about supporting an awesome vegan clothing store. But boy, was I getting sick of wearing that belt! You don’t even know, dude!

964. Needles. I can’t stand them. I don’t get flu shots and I don’t give blood because I hate the very thought of needles. It’s stupid, and in a way it’s selfish, but there you are.

965. When you’re one of only three people on a patio, and the other two know each other, then you’re basically going to get dragged into their conversation. There’s pretty much nothing you can do about it.

966. Good news! It’s a loud, lengthy talk about how tough it is to find a good man in this town! Enjoy an hour of two complete strangers rambling on about that!

967. When a woman says that all guys are idiots, she’s basically saying she’s not mature enough to deal with the differences and disagreements that are inevitably a part of every relationship. Either that, or she’s been dating the wrong guys and she’s resigned herself to repeating the same mistake.

968. When a man says that all women are psycho, he’s basically doing the male version of the above. Except the male version sounds a little more offensive for some reason. Plus, he’s probably one of the idiots that all those women are talking about. Also, does anyone smell Axe?

969. “I just don’t want to have to be alone all the time.” Well, then don’t, you know? Dating is tough and relationships are hard work, but you’re never going to find love if you’re the sort of person who thinks they have to be alone all the time. Break out of that bubble! Wayne Gretzky once said that you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take. Get over yourself and start shooting, already!

970. I’m getting pretty tired of that couple in the eHarmony commercials. You know the one I mean. I’m glad they’ve found each other, but no relationship is that cute, cuddly and perfect. I’d be much more inclined to recommend eHarmony to my single friends if they did an ad that was just a thirty-second clip from that couple’s next fight.

971. Hospitals. They’re a great idea and we can’t do without them, but that doesn’t mean they’re any fun. If you’re at a hospital right now, then I’ll bet you’re having a bad day.

972. Unless you’re a nurse or a doctor or something, in which case I thank you for choosing such a noble career. I hope the long hours and the many cuts to the health care sector haven’t put a damper on it.

973. Spending the Memorial Day morning in a hospital waiting room meant watching a precocious toddler in a suit recite the names of all the presidents on Rachael Ray. Believe me when I say you can’t throw up in a hospital waiting room without four or five orderlies tossing a clipboard full of paperwork at you.

974. Hot pink toenail polish. Man, don’t wear that.

975. “How’s it going, Matt’s Facebook friends? You don’t know me, and Matt hasn’t seen me in years, but I thought you might like to see a photo of him in the fourth grade. Okay, bye!”

976. Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I tell them I love heavy metal? I’ve been into it since I was a kid. Is it because I’m into other kinds of music? Is it because I don’t have a mullet? Is it because I’ve got a day job with a computer?

977. Maybe it’s because I look more like Marty Friedman than Tony Iommi. But I don’t see why that should matter. Would you tell Marty Friedman he’s not metal just because he’s thin and he looks a bit womanly and he probably can’t grow a beard? No, you wouldn’t. So what’s the problem?

978. I’ll bet you don’t even know who Marty Friedman is, do you? Well, then who are you to judge me?

979. Also, why do people assume that metal fans are idiots? Sure, a lot of us are, but isn’t that true of any genre? Just because you like songs about the devil doesn’t mean you’re a moron, and just because you don’t doesn’t mean you’re not.

980. Did you know that Toby Keith is a Democrat who claims he’s never supported the war in Iraq? Why don’t you think about that the next time you feel like making snap judgments about musicians?

981. To be fair, in this case, I think we’re going to have to blame the confusion on the fact that Toby Keith supported Bush’s re-election, or on the many, many songs he wrote about America kicking some Arab ass. But who knows? Maybe he’s just a complicated person, like many of today’s top artists.

982. Then again, is it really that big a contradiction to oppose an unjust war while supporting the young people who are out there fighting it? And do you really have to be a rabid conservative to disagree with the Dixie Chicks? Wake up, America!

983. Conservative pundits are mad because Obama delivered a landmark address to the Muslim world, and he didn’t say all the things they wanted him to say. But the thing is, not saying all those things is what distinguishes an important progressive speech from a steaming pile of insane reactionary bullshit. It’s not like he had the Fox News viewer vote before he made that speech, you know what I mean?

984. Two and a Half Men. More like one and a crap show!

985. Zombies as a played-out artistic theme. I’ve heard that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies isn’t bad. But now that it’s out there, maybe we should cool it with the zombies for a while.

986. I was standing on the curb the other day, waiting to cross the road. A fellow drove by with the windows down, singing along to a song on the radio, just having a great old afternoon in June. “Keep singing,” the guy standing next to me muttered to himself as the fellow drove off. “You’re never going to make it.” What an asshole, right?

987. I think I’m officially too old to hear a song like “Santeria” in a pub, or on the radio, or anywhere at all.

988. I think we’re all officially too old to hear a song like “Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in my Hand” in a pub, like I did last week, because we’re not the same age as we were during a few unfortunate weeks in 1996.

989. To be honest, though, I don’t understand why we as a culture ridicule our one-hit wonders. Do you realize how tough it is to score even one hit? You’ve probably never done it, that’s for sure. But I’ll bet if I looked at your CD shelf, I’d find a bunch of embarrassing hits from days gone by. So you can make fun of one-hit wonders all you like, but you’ve sung along to “More Than Words” at least once, and everyone knows it.

990. That said, there’s no way I’m going to get to the end of this list without calling out “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind. I know it came out twelve years ago, but frankly, I’m still mad about it.

991. And you know what? Once that song had been written, there was officially no need for “Closing Time” to exist. Think of all the grade eight dances that could be salvaged by going back in time and destroying the master tape.

992. We are indeed coming to the end of this list, and I’ve got more things left to say than I’ve got numbers left to use. As such, I’ve had to leave a few potential items off this list. The world may never know how much I hate it when the little plastic thing peels away from the end of an old shoelace, for example.

993. I guess there comes a time in the life of every work of art when you simply have to step back and say it’s complete. I mean, the alternative is basically those lame “special edition” Star Wars and E.T. remakes, and who wants that?

994. I could have easily used either of the previous two slots to talk about one of the things I’ve had to leave off this list. For that matter, I could have used this one.

995. Or I could have used this one! Damn it!

996. Contradictions. I’ll bet this list is full of them. At this point, checking to making sure it’s not would be a long, pointless ordeal.

997. Repeats. Ditto.

998. Cliffhangers.

This entry was posted by Matty on Thursday, June 11th, 2009 at 8:11 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.